Oh baby, I'm not your cheerleader.

Last night a jock from my school decided to add me on FB. He thought that I'd be an interesting girl due to my florescent coloured outfits. He asked me to lunch but I don't know him. I don't know who he is.

He could be a typical jock.

A football player with an attitude.Well I'm not your cheerleader.
I'm not your high maintenance bitch.

I'm not your slutty fix.

Who knows what he wants? He could just want action or he could be different?
I don't really know what to think. He told me he would say hi to me once he saw me.I am actually so nervous. If I knew where he typically sees me I wouldn't go there today.

Hiding from someone who isn't going to hurt me, hiding from a potential nice boy? Apparently he is into art but got a scholarship to play football in the U.S...

He helps little kids with football.

A personal trainer.

A tattoo artist.

A writer.

He could be perfect?

He could be lying.

Or he could just be full of himself,

thinking he can get any girl he wants with the snap of his fingers.

Who knows?

I don't want to write him off. I am judging him when I hate being judged.
I guess when I work up the nerve I'll go to lunch with him and see what he's all about.Figure him out. Could end up like the Cinderella Story, as if.

A smart, shy, loser of a girl meets a handsome, smart jock of a boy.

I am just dreaming, I know.

But I want my happily ever after like any girl.

I can't picture ME being with a popular jock. I mean I'm a nobody who keeps to herself.

Well boy,

I'm not your cheerleader.

"I wish I could SAVE you. I wish I could save YOU"

I really don't get it. It seems like love is so easy for everyone else but myself.

Girl: I wish he loved me, but I doubt I'm good enough for him.
Boy: I wish she wanted me, but I'll never be good enough.

All it takes for the typical girl and boy is someone to tell them that they both have the same feelings for each other and then they can get together. Fall in love. It seems to be that simple.

I don't seem to be that typical girl and he doesn't seem to want to be that typical boy. I'm in love with him and will always be but he won't ever love me, not again. I constantly tell myself and others that I'm over him. I tell them about how horrible he is to me now. But I know no matter what I try and convince my self of I will always still love that boy.

No matter what I will always happen to dream about us being together. No matter what I will still have hope that the old him one day, will resurface. I will always have hope no matter how many times he tells me that he will never love me again. Trust me when I say I have tried countless of times to get over him and every time I try I fail horribly. I date guys that I know will hurt me so I can focus on them or the hurt they are causing me instead of his. I have given up. There seems to be no way I can possibly get away from him. When the one day comes where we graduate and move away; then he will be gone forever and I don't know what I will do. I can't picture never seeing or hearing from him again. I just can't.

I know getting over him will be the hardest thing I will ever do.
I know that I don't want to get over him because I can't loose him.
I know that I want to get over him because I need to loose him.

All I ever wanted was a simple way to get over you.

I don't understand why I can't be normal and realize that he will never love me again. It's like everyone changed into someone different when they reached high school. I must have missed the transition because I'm the only one who is stuck in the past. Stuck in what people used to be like. I don't even feel like I belong anymore, no matter where I go it's all the same. I move from Oshawa to Bowmanville and wished that I was back living in Oshawa. I move from Bowmanville to Muskoka and wished that I was living back in Bowmanville. I move from Muskoka back to Bowmanville and now wish I was back in Muskoka.

I honestly don't think I belong anywhere.

Where do I belong?

I feel so far gone.

Everywhere I go feels wrong.

I can't keep dragging myself along.

Take my hand and tell me I belong.

I feel safe now listening to our song.

Just tell me I belong.

Please tell me I belong.

Overwhelming Thinking

Recently I have been dealing with a whole shit load of unnecessary drama. It's really seeming to affect me. I can't stop thinking about it and how it won't stop. BS freaked out at me because I told her that she deserved to be loved (something she isn't getting from CG). I'm pretty positive that it's just because I am the only person who hasn't told her what she wants to hear. I am the only person who has a shred of decency to tell her the truth. She knows he doesn't love her and all he does is hurt her but she doesn't seem to want to actually believe it. She just doesn't want to move on because she knows that will be harder than being with the one you love even though he will never love you. All I was doing was trying to help, all I ever do is try to help. Now she is going around at O'Neil (where a fair share of my friends attend) telling everyone my secrets and shouting horrible comments about me. I can't seem to get away from it especially when her bf does it as well. They are wrecking everything. I just wish people would grow up I mean we are in HIGH SCHOOL not elementary school, deal with your problems productively not like a child.

The sad thing is that I called my mom to take care of it in which she didn't seem to accomplish very well. All it did was dull things a bit and cause raging voice mails on my cell phone. I seem to actually miss my mom at some points. It's just she understands me more than my dad since I seem to be quite like her. But then I remember all of the terrible things she said and did to me. I then begin to resent her again. It's just so hard not to like her at times. When I went to visit her to get a bite to eat at a restaurant she is currently working at, she is just so cunning. She manipulates everyone else in the room to make her seem like the one to love. It's just she's convinced herself that her lies are the truths. She is delisional. I don't know how she does it but I have to learn to shake it off or else I start to hear my mind trail off about how I should move back in with her. NO. That is the worst thing for me now. I love my dad, he has been one of the best things that has happened to me this year. I just wish I could establish some sort of a relationship with her, I mean no matter what she is my mother.

My thinking is just causing me even more confusion.

Uncrowned King

I wonder is that what it's really like to cry?
Is this what it is really like to say good-bye?
I wish someone would come and dry my eyes.

Shake my body from all of these endless lies.
You let me down when I was oh-so high.

Left with nothing but bruises upon my thighs.

All I have left to ask is why?

This time it's you who I deny.

This time you can't imply.

This time I won't reply.

Inside my skin you make me twist.

Touching your face I must resist.

Kissing my forehead I must insist.

It's your lips to my wrist,

It's your touch all this time I've missed.

Twist your body around mine.

Beats increase, don't worry I'll be fine.

Your body heat is my fix.

But your love is as hard as bricks.

You whispers the wrong name.
Your body heat is not the same.

I need you to whisper my name.

I once held you up so high.
Believing you were an angel from the sky.

You made me feel what it's really like to cry.

I put you upon a pedestal.

You're up to high on that pedestal.

What it did to you I was unaware.

You never belonged there.

All it brought me was dispair.

From your pedestal it's time to climb down.
You are just like anyone in this small town.

You never should have been praised king.

For sorrow is all you bring.
You never should have been crowned king.

For you left my heart with a firey sting
You are no longer the king of my heart.

You are the uncrowned king.

Uncrowned king give us your last bow.

When you are little you tend to be afraid of the dark.
Afraid of the monsters under the bed, afraid of the monsters in your closet.
Afraid of all the things that lurk in the darkness of your room.
You're mother and father go to the places in your room where you claim monsters live.
Only to reveal there are no monsters.
You get those comforting words of

I love you.
There are no monsters in here honey, don't worry.
Good night, Sweetdreams!
If only that were the case for my childhood.

Whenever I was afraid of a monster lurking in the dark I had no broad shouldered father to comfort me or no mother who was sane enough to tell me that she loves me and everything is okay.Because the truth is with her, nothing was ever okay. Instead my mom had kicked out my father forcing him to not see me until later in my childhood.

But she did have a boy friend. A boy friend who did not check for monsters.
A boy friend who was the monster I was afraid of in the dark.
But instead of a sweet and comforting mother, I was stuck with a cocaine addict.

Every time I asked for the only man in my life to check for monsters there was never a reply. He was to busy yelling at my mother, snorting cocaine or getting drunk to check for monsters. Every time I told my mother about the monsters in the darkness she became paranoid. She would yell at those invisible monsters. She would tell them that she was going to KILL them, that they better get out now. Swearing at the darkness with no reply she would start to think they were actually there, she would convince me they were. Instead of me receiving comforting and a warm hand drying my tears she did, from her child. Instead of feeling the warmth of her body next to me there was only coldness because she would leave me. She would leave me to go snort cocaine, get drunk, get yelled at, get beat and to fuck her monster of a boy friend. She was never there when I needed her.

Your not suppose to convince your daughter there are monsters lurking in the dark. You aren't suppose to scare your daughter even more with all of your constant paranoia screaming. It's not right, it's NOT right, ITS NOT RIGHT.

Why didn't you comfort me?
Why didn't you tell me there was never a monster to fear?
Why did you scare me?

Those seem to be my constant question I ask to myself when I think back to all of my sleepless nights as a child. Wondering when the monster would actually come and take me away, I was ready. The monsters in my closet or under my bed couldn't have been as bad as you.

Do you happen to remember when you told me you were dying from cancer? Well you never died. All you did was pop pain killers. All you did was snort cocaine. All you did was lie to me. You never had cancer did you? WHY. To many unanswered questions.

I never wanted to grow up like you. Except now I pop pills to sleep, drink away the pain, fake a smile and fake a laugh just to get by. Have you seen what you have done to me? No I don't think you have. I am to much like you,I don't want to become a cold-hearted monster. I can't be just like you. Help. You have reflected on me. My love life is just as fucked as yours, I can never let someone love me I can never fully give myself to them without backing away. Just like you. Aren't you proud? To escape all of the memories, lies and missing pieces of my life I can't help but want to hurt myself. I hurt myself.

Well guess what?
I cannot be like you any longer.

I will not become a mess. I will not become a monster. I will not drown my pain. I will not continue to be unhappy. I will not let you reflect apon me anymore.
I will no longer speak to the monster.
I will no longer listen to her whispers.
I will not, I will not, I will not.

Grow Up Boy.

CJ ended up giving S my number so I've been texting him quite a bit.
He is a really nice guy who has madly fallen for CJ.
She always find the nicest and sweetest guys but then never goes for them.

I guess she's more into asses, twisted like my heart.

I wish I could find someone like S, not gunna lie I kind of wish he was mine from what little I know about him.

But if he likes her as much as he says there isn't much I can do other than convince CJ to go for him because he won't hurt her like everyone else.

God I wish S liked me..

CJ's going to prom with S on Friday which is sweet.
I just hope they can get me into the after party so I can see A.

Guess I forgot to mention him.

He was one of the G O R G E O U S guys from Saturday night.

S gave him my number because APPARENTLY he is interested which is a bit of a shock.

I would have so gone for him Saturday if I knew all the things he said to S in there little language!

Damn...

Maybe next time?

As if!
Why would you even think of doing that after all you did to me?
My ex boyfriend GH added me on FB after I deleted him as a friend.
Like honestly, are you stupid or blind?
He hurt me and then he adds me on FB.Well newsflash YOUR NOT MY FRIEND.
I may have forgave you because I am the better person but it doesn't mean I consider you as my friend.

Yes, you are correct I do not want to talk to you anymore.

Oh and one of my other ex's who cheated on me with his ex added me as a friend on FB after I deleted him.

These guys are pathetic.
It's like they have to know what I'm up to and that they are better off in order to live their lives. Well guess what? I STILL am single since WE broke up. I am STILL getting hurt by asses like yourselves.

Now, let me get back to my life.

I don't need or want you poking around in mine.

Try growing up?

grow up, grow up, grow up...