When you are little you tend to be afraid of the dark.
Afraid of the monsters under the bed, afraid of the monsters in your closet.
Afraid of all the things that lurk in the darkness of your room.
You're mother and father go to the places in your room where you claim monsters live.
Only to reveal there are no monsters.
You get those comforting words of

I love you.
There are no monsters in here honey, don't worry.
Good night, Sweetdreams!
If only that were the case for my childhood.

Whenever I was afraid of a monster lurking in the dark I had no broad shouldered father to comfort me or no mother who was sane enough to tell me that she loves me and everything is okay.Because the truth is with her, nothing was ever okay. Instead my mom had kicked out my father forcing him to not see me until later in my childhood.

But she did have a boy friend. A boy friend who did not check for monsters.
A boy friend who was the monster I was afraid of in the dark.
But instead of a sweet and comforting mother, I was stuck with a cocaine addict.

Every time I asked for the only man in my life to check for monsters there was never a reply. He was to busy yelling at my mother, snorting cocaine or getting drunk to check for monsters. Every time I told my mother about the monsters in the darkness she became paranoid. She would yell at those invisible monsters. She would tell them that she was going to KILL them, that they better get out now. Swearing at the darkness with no reply she would start to think they were actually there, she would convince me they were. Instead of me receiving comforting and a warm hand drying my tears she did, from her child. Instead of feeling the warmth of her body next to me there was only coldness because she would leave me. She would leave me to go snort cocaine, get drunk, get yelled at, get beat and to fuck her monster of a boy friend. She was never there when I needed her.

Your not suppose to convince your daughter there are monsters lurking in the dark. You aren't suppose to scare your daughter even more with all of your constant paranoia screaming. It's not right, it's NOT right, ITS NOT RIGHT.

Why didn't you comfort me?
Why didn't you tell me there was never a monster to fear?
Why did you scare me?

Those seem to be my constant question I ask to myself when I think back to all of my sleepless nights as a child. Wondering when the monster would actually come and take me away, I was ready. The monsters in my closet or under my bed couldn't have been as bad as you.

Do you happen to remember when you told me you were dying from cancer? Well you never died. All you did was pop pain killers. All you did was snort cocaine. All you did was lie to me. You never had cancer did you? WHY. To many unanswered questions.

I never wanted to grow up like you. Except now I pop pills to sleep, drink away the pain, fake a smile and fake a laugh just to get by. Have you seen what you have done to me? No I don't think you have. I am to much like you,I don't want to become a cold-hearted monster. I can't be just like you. Help. You have reflected on me. My love life is just as fucked as yours, I can never let someone love me I can never fully give myself to them without backing away. Just like you. Aren't you proud? To escape all of the memories, lies and missing pieces of my life I can't help but want to hurt myself. I hurt myself.

Well guess what?
I cannot be like you any longer.

I will not become a mess. I will not become a monster. I will not drown my pain. I will not continue to be unhappy. I will not let you reflect apon me anymore.
I will no longer speak to the monster.
I will no longer listen to her whispers.
I will not, I will not, I will not.