About Me

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From Her Own World, Far Away
I am a unique individual stuck in a world filled with mostly followers. I like to stand out of the crowd! I hate being critizied or stared at. I am one of the most self concious pesimistic people you will ever met. I express myself through painting, drawing and writing. I just want to find a place where I fit in and don't have to hide or keep to myself. I am waiting to be set free...

December 03, 2009

Chest to Chest

I’d do anything to see you smile,
I know I haven’t showed it in awhile.
Yes, I am a risk taking danger.
But to you I don’t want to be a stranger.
I’ll find a way to fix it all.
I’m not going to let you fall.

I’m here to listen to every word you have to say.
I’ll be here for you every day.
I won’t beg, I won’t plead.
When you’re ready I’ll be here for you to need.
You won’t have to go through that ever again.
I’m truly sorry I caused you so much pain.

I’ll try my best to reverse the hurt.
With my care those feelings I will convert.
I apologize for that night,
I didn’t ever mean to put up a fight.

You know I'm so damn undecided.
I need now to just be guided.
Without you I'm plain misguided.
Our differences subsided.
Today we can't be divided.

We might just have the potential.
Holding on is all but essential.
You kiss me, I shutter.
You make me shudder.
I start to miss the taste of you’re lips.
Comfort me with you’re finger tips.
I'm craving you so bad.
You're the best I’ve ever had.

You're telling me everything I've never heard.
All of the phrases and sweet talking words.
You seem to see my flaws as perfections.
You are giving me all but enough affection.
Making my hips sway in your direction.
Making me feel like we've got a connection.
It's like you are the medicine to my infection.
You are healing me with your protection.

When I'm with you I can't stop smiling.
All of your good qualities are compiling.
I won't stop until we are chest to chest.
I know babe that you are unlike the rest.

Why don't we break down those walls that are keeping us apart?
Why don't you come over now and mend my broken heart?

Let's just stay here chest to chest.

November 02, 2009

Dear Ola:

I'm sitting up against my bedroom door and I can't stop my tears from falling. The picture of me and you when we were little lays beside me. Your old blue sweater that your father gave to me is in my grasp covered in my tears and smudge make up. I know it's almost been a year since you've passed away now. It's starting to hit me hard today. I really don't know what to do I'm so overwhelmed right now, I just wish you were still here. I would give anything to have you back here, get to know you for who you were as you grew up. All I remember is when we were little. God, how much I wish I could talk to you. I just keep wondering if you still were as excited as I was to see you after all those years, if you would have liked me. From what I heard about you from your friends and family you sounded like you grew up to be quite the girl.

Do you see how much I miss you? Do you miss me? It's just I feel so guilty. I wish I would have kept in touch. I wish I could have seen you, to say good-bye at least. It kills me how the weekend after you died your father and you planned to come down and visit. He told me that you were going to move down to Bowmanville to get away from the bad situation you were in. I wish it hadn't been too late. You didn't deserve to die painfully, you never deserved to be murdered. I just really hope some way you can read all that I'm writing. I remember all the adventures we had when we were little. Going frog hunting, golf carting, swimming, fishing, the list goes on and on. You were my best friend when I was little, I know that and you'll always stay in my memories. I want to know that I shouldn't feel this way, that I shouldn't still hate myself for not knowing you before you died. Do you forgive me?

You should be happy. You brought your mother and father back together. I'm terribly worried though because they don't know how to grieve the loss of you. All they do is get high off of whatever they can get their hands on or so I'm told. I want to talk to them, straighten them out for you. I want to do something for you. To hear about your mother and father basically throwing their lives away, it kills me. I know you wouldn't want them to do that to themselves, you would want them to be happy. No ones been able to reach any of them. But don't worry I won't stop trying. I will fix them, I will make them realize it's not what you would have wanted.

I love you forever and always.

-Tasha Lucyk

P.S. If you are watching over me please don't ever let me go, I need you.

September 21, 2009

Why does every song have to end? Why does every life have to fall away with it?

I don't know who else to talk to.
I want to tell someone, I want someone to tell me it will be okay.
I need someone to help me to work up the courage to go see her.
Who knows with her?
She might not be okay. She might be fine.
Is it really that horrible that I don't wish to see her lying in a hospital bed?
Is it really that horrible that I'm afraid this time she's not lying?

She hasn't called me in awhile which is very unusual. Maybe she is really "not doing so well" according to my friend's mother. Maybe she's just finally given up on me. All I know is that it's starting to eat me alive inside. I can't call her, if I do I will just get upset that I was lied to if she is at home and if she isn't there I will be afraid of the state she is in.

Everything at home doesn't seem to be going so well either. I feel so unwanted there. I just wish sometimes that I was able to just move out, get my own apartment somewhere-where this time I would only be a burden to myself. Not like that could ever happen; realistically I can not cook, can not find a job and have no money. I doubt I would even survive by myself. It's just everything I do at home it's never good enough or I do everything wrong; always being yelled at by my father's girl friend. It's quite a lovely feeling, one that cause me to go storming out of the house for a run. Except I am so emotionally incapable to cry it's unbelieveable. The only way I seem to be able to deal with my emotions is causing myself some sort of pain. I went for a run but for some reason my body brought me down, made me fall whenever I started running. Needless to say I scraped up my hands and punched a try to calm down. I even tried to listen to sad music to mkae myself cry-didn't work. I have way to much anger built up inside of me all of my sadness overtime seems to convert to anger. I need a punching bag except all that will do will cut up my knuckles because I will refuse to wear gloves.

update: she's okay.

September 17, 2009

Against Myself

When people cause me to get upset I get back at them. I hurt myself either physically or mentally. When someone loves me I see how far I can push them. I see how far I can push them until they leave me. I give my love only to feel used. I give my love only to be used up. In the end it all comes down to the guilt.

It's like I enjoy being a disaster, I set myself up.
It's a constant battle against myself.

September 13, 2009

She's got a KILLER dream.

Basically for my whole life I've had very different dreams. They tend to be very wild and crazy!
I had one last night that was really just messed up so I figured I'd share! I don't remember all of it but here are the bits and pieces I recall.

In my dream it was my birthday. I had decided to have my party in the forest (for some reason). I had bought bottles and bottles of vodka, horror movies and some sort of candy that got you drunk (apparently I came up with a new invention to get drunk). Everyone was in some sort of a trailor watching a horror flick where as I was with my ex (WHY?) making out. I started to bite his lip and he automatically stopped saying, "I'm not into that shit." In real life though he enjoys this haha. My reply to his comment was, "Well I do." Out of the blue he cut my arm off and threw it on the BBQ. I whispered, "What the fuck?" All he had to say to this act of cruelty was, "Want some?" I replied, "Uh, no?" For some reason one arm wasn't enough for him so he chopped off his arm and threw it on the grill as well saying, "More for me then." Chopping off my limb and his didn't seem to hurt or pour with blood (how unrealistic) but I could smell burning flesh and watch my arm sizzle on the burner!

I was freaked out (obviously) resulting in me going back to the trailor to grab a bottle of vodka. As I went to go reach for a bottle one of the girls who was there wouldn't give it to me, freaking out and screaming. So I kicked her out of the party grabbing some of the candies to get drunk off of instead. My mother and my friend's mother Heather were following me and trying to get the candies off of me I thought. I started to run and then saw a kid who goes to my high school in a glass box. I kept running as he walked out of the box and started to walk with my mother, Heather and my friend. Finally I got to a basement (in the forest?) and hid. They found me and then my friend called in all of my other friends. They walked in and just stared striaght at me not even blinking. She shouted, "That's enough!" Resulting in them all leaving. The three of them were trying to comfort me for some reason and then I managed to sneak away. For a long time I would hide and then they would find me acting like they had no emotions. I finally found a hiding spot beside a house in a shrub where they couldn't find me. I watched as they looked for me as Heather emotionlessly, "This isn't how you find a killer"

I woke up sitting straight up and was whispered, "what the fuck" to myself in the morning. I have no clue what this dream is suppose to mean or if it even has a meaning. I am guessing that I was mistaken for the killer when my ex was the killer all along considering he chopped off both mine and his arm. Maybe it's a sign to stay away from him? No idea!

I texted him my dream this afternoon and all he had to say was, "That's a sign. You want to kiss me." That would be the only thing he would think off after that whole wild dream! Oh god.

All I have to say is that I have killer dreams.

September 07, 2009

Mr. Fake Prince Charming

After all this time I realized that I imagined you.
I was mistaken, you were never the boy I loved.
He was a trick of my imagination.

It's quite a surprise when all you believed in, all you loved, all that held you up so high was all a mere mirage. Still it gives me hope because if all he was, was my imagination desperate to find love than love for me is still hidden out there. My prince charming is still searching for me, you just need to go through a few fakes to find him. He just happened to be the first boy to come along that I mistoke his tinfoil wrapped body for silver sparkling armor, the bitter salvia from his mouth for sweet salvation, the lust in his eyes for true love, the rusted bicycle for a pure white horse and the sexual touch of his hands against my aching body for a caring caress.

Now the guilt given ring you gave to me on my birthday lays waiting to be sold in a local Cash Converters. What was left of the wilted rose given to me on Valentines Day is crumbled in the trash. The soft teddy bear given as a Christmas present donated to the Salvation Army. Finally the pictures and the hand made heart stays hidden in a taped up envelope deep in my closet never to be opened; but a mere memory of my first heart break. When the time is right the envelope will be rested in flames until all my memories of you have been turned to ash.

All I have left to say now my dear fake Prince Charming is that,
I'm okay now I'm better than I've ever been without you now.

August 20, 2009

and she hates this feeling <3

Beside you I want to lay.
My ends they claim to fray.
My days turn to shades of grey.
I wish that with you I could stay.
Come on and sway over my way.
Speak those notions without delay.

Your path has become misguided.
Your future has become undecided.
Kiss my thriving lips to ease my soul.
Left with all of my damn self control.
My sensations you seem to have stole.
You hand me pieces, I want you as a whole.

Feeling the warmth of your body heat.
Walking home on this deserted street.
To my shaking body you are a treat.
The past I do not wish to repeat.
Temptation I am bond to defeat.
With my emotions I won't compete.

In clouds of smoke you can be found.
Soon you'll be falling to the ground.
Soon we'll be falling to the ground.
I'm wanting you like before.
Left with wanting you more.

It's an electric connection.
Follow and show your affection.
I can't stand through rejection.

You've become my selection.
Lean over to this direction.
Be my perfect protection.

Intensity runs through my blood.
My veins are rushing like a flood.
You offer your lips against mine.

I'm caught in your tangled vine.
You caress me with your touch.
Craving it a little to much.
You lend me your sweater.
I automatically feel better.
I just want your heart.
I just want to tear it apart.

You hand me pieces,
but I want you as a whole.