I don't know who else to talk to.
I want to tell someone, I want someone to tell me it will be okay.
I need someone to help me to work up the courage to go see her.
Who knows with her?
She might not be okay. She might be fine.
Is it really that horrible that I don't wish to see her lying in a hospital bed?
Is it really that horrible that I'm afraid this time she's not lying?
She hasn't called me in awhile which is very unusual. Maybe she is really "not doing so well" according to my friend's mother. Maybe she's just finally given up on me. All I know is that it's starting to eat me alive inside. I can't call her, if I do I will just get upset that I was lied to if she is at home and if she isn't there I will be afraid of the state she is in.
Everything at home doesn't seem to be going so well either. I feel so unwanted there. I just wish sometimes that I was able to just move out, get my own apartment somewhere-where this time I would only be a burden to myself. Not like that could ever happen; realistically I can not cook, can not find a job and have no money. I doubt I would even survive by myself. It's just everything I do at home it's never good enough or I do everything wrong; always being yelled at by my father's girl friend. It's quite a lovely feeling, one that cause me to go storming out of the house for a run. Except I am so emotionally incapable to cry it's unbelieveable. The only way I seem to be able to deal with my emotions is causing myself some sort of pain. I went for a run but for some reason my body brought me down, made me fall whenever I started running. Needless to say I scraped up my hands and punched a try to calm down. I even tried to listen to sad music to mkae myself cry-didn't work. I have way to much anger built up inside of me all of my sadness overtime seems to convert to anger. I need a punching bag except all that will do will cut up my knuckles because I will refuse to wear gloves.
update: she's okay.
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