Love Like Battlefield

Chest to Chest

2009-12-03T12:44:00.000-08:00

I’d do anything to see you smile,
I know I haven’t showed it in awhile.
Yes, I am a risk taking danger.
But to you I don’t want to be a stranger.
I’ll find a way to fix it all.
I’m not going to let you fall.

I’m here to listen to every word you have to say.
I’ll be here for you every day.
I won’t beg, I won’t plead.
When you’re ready I’ll be here for you to need.
You won’t have to go through that ever again.
I’m truly sorry I caused you so much pain.

I’ll try my best to reverse the hurt.
With my care those feelings I will convert.
I apologize for that night,
I didn’t ever mean to put up a fight.

You know I'm so damn undecided.
I need now to just be guided.
Without you I'm plain misguided.
Our differences subsided.
Today we can't be divided.

We might just have the potential.
Holding on is all but essential.
You kiss me, I shutter.
You make me shudder.
I start to miss the taste of you’re lips.
Comfort me with you’re finger tips.
I'm craving you so bad.
You're the best I’ve ever had.

You're telling me everything I've never heard.
All of the phrases and sweet talking words.
You seem to see my flaws as perfections.
You are giving me all but enough affection.
Making my hips sway in your direction.
Making me feel like we've got a connection.
It's like you are the medicine to my infection.
You are healing me with your protection.

When I'm with you I can't stop smiling.
All of your good qualities are compiling.
I won't stop until we are chest to chest.
I know babe that you are unlike the rest.

Why don't we break down those walls that are keeping us apart?
Why don't you come over now and mend my broken heart?

Let's just stay here chest to chest.

2009-11-02T12:33:00.001-08:00

Dear Ola:

I'm sitting up against my bedroom door and I can't stop my tears from falling. The picture of me and you when we were little lays beside me. Your old blue sweater that your father gave to me is in my grasp covered in my tears and smudge make up. I know it's almost been a year since you've passed away now. It's starting to hit me hard today. I really don't know what to do I'm so overwhelmed right now, I just wish you were still here. I would give anything to have you back here, get to know you for who you were as you grew up. All I remember is when we were little. God, how much I wish I could talk to you. I just keep wondering if you still were as excited as I was to see you after all those years, if you would have liked me. From what I heard about you from your friends and family you sounded like you grew up to be quite the girl.

Do you see how much I miss you? Do you miss me? It's just I feel so guilty. I wish I would have kept in touch. I wish I could have seen you, to say good-bye at least. It kills me how the weekend after you died your father and you planned to come down and visit. He told me that you were going to move down to Bowmanville to get away from the bad situation you were in. I wish it hadn't been too late. You didn't deserve to die painfully, you never deserved to be murdered. I just really hope some way you can read all that I'm writing. I remember all the adventures we had when we were little. Going frog hunting, golf carting, swimming, fishing, the list goes on and on. You were my best friend when I was little, I know that and you'll always stay in my memories. I want to know that I shouldn't feel this way, that I shouldn't still hate myself for not knowing you before you died. Do you forgive me?

You should be happy. You brought your mother and father back together. I'm terribly worried though because they don't know how to grieve the loss of you. All they do is get high off of whatever they can get their hands on or so I'm told. I want to talk to them, straighten them out for you. I want to do something for you. To hear about your mother and father basically throwing their lives away, it kills me. I know you wouldn't want them to do that to themselves, you would want them to be happy. No ones been able to reach any of them. But don't worry I won't stop trying. I will fix them, I will make them realize it's not what you would have wanted.

I love you forever and always.

-Tasha Lucyk

P.S. If you are watching over me please don't ever let me go, I need you.

Why does every song have to end? Why does every life have to fall away with it?

2009-09-21T07:01:00.000-07:00

I don't know who else to talk to.
I want to tell someone, I want someone to tell me it will be okay.
I need someone to help me to work up the courage to go see her.
Who knows with her?
She might not be okay. She might be fine.
Is it really that horrible that I don't wish to see her lying in a hospital bed?
Is it really that horrible that I'm afraid this time she's not lying?

She hasn't called me in awhile which is very unusual. Maybe she is really "not doing so well" according to my friend's mother. Maybe she's just finally given up on me. All I know is that it's starting to eat me alive inside. I can't call her, if I do I will just get upset that I was lied to if she is at home and if she isn't there I will be afraid of the state she is in.

Everything at home doesn't seem to be going so well either. I feel so unwanted there. I just wish sometimes that I was able to just move out, get my own apartment somewhere-where this time I would only be a burden to myself. Not like that could ever happen; realistically I can not cook, can not find a job and have no money. I doubt I would even survive by myself. It's just everything I do at home it's never good enough or I do everything wrong; always being yelled at by my father's girl friend. It's quite a lovely feeling, one that cause me to go storming out of the house for a run. Except I am so emotionally incapable to cry it's unbelieveable. The only way I seem to be able to deal with my emotions is causing myself some sort of pain. I went for a run but for some reason my body brought me down, made me fall whenever I started running. Needless to say I scraped up my hands and punched a try to calm down. I even tried to listen to sad music to mkae myself cry-didn't work. I have way to much anger built up inside of me all of my sadness overtime seems to convert to anger. I need a punching bag except all that will do will cut up my knuckles because I will refuse to wear gloves.

update: she's okay.

Against Myself

2009-09-17T13:39:00.000-07:00

When people cause me to get upset I get back at them. I hurt myself either physically or mentally. When someone loves me I see how far I can push them. I see how far I can push them until they leave me. I give my love only to feel used. I give my love only to be used up. In the end it all comes down to the guilt.

It's like I enjoy being a disaster, I set myself up.
It's a constant battle against myself.

She's got a KILLER dream.

2009-09-13T13:47:00.000-07:00

Basically for my whole life I've had very different dreams. They tend to be very wild and crazy!
I had one last night that was really just messed up so I figured I'd share! I don't remember all of it but here are the bits and pieces I recall.

In my dream it was my birthday. I had decided to have my party in the forest (for some reason). I had bought bottles and bottles of vodka, horror movies and some sort of candy that got you drunk (apparently I came up with a new invention to get drunk). Everyone was in some sort of a trailor watching a horror flick where as I was with my ex (WHY?) making out. I started to bite his lip and he automatically stopped saying, "I'm not into that shit." In real life though he enjoys this haha. My reply to his comment was, "Well I do." Out of the blue he cut my arm off and threw it on the BBQ. I whispered, "What the fuck?" All he had to say to this act of cruelty was, "Want some?" I replied, "Uh, no?" For some reason one arm wasn't enough for him so he chopped off his arm and threw it on the grill as well saying, "More for me then." Chopping off my limb and his didn't seem to hurt or pour with blood (how unrealistic) but I could smell burning flesh and watch my arm sizzle on the burner!

I was freaked out (obviously) resulting in me going back to the trailor to grab a bottle of vodka. As I went to go reach for a bottle one of the girls who was there wouldn't give it to me, freaking out and screaming. So I kicked her out of the party grabbing some of the candies to get drunk off of instead. My mother and my friend's mother Heather were following me and trying to get the candies off of me I thought. I started to run and then saw a kid who goes to my high school in a glass box. I kept running as he walked out of the box and started to walk with my mother, Heather and my friend. Finally I got to a basement (in the forest?) and hid. They found me and then my friend called in all of my other friends. They walked in and just stared striaght at me not even blinking. She shouted, "That's enough!" Resulting in them all leaving. The three of them were trying to comfort me for some reason and then I managed to sneak away. For a long time I would hide and then they would find me acting like they had no emotions. I finally found a hiding spot beside a house in a shrub where they couldn't find me. I watched as they looked for me as Heather emotionlessly, "This isn't how you find a killer"

I woke up sitting straight up and was whispered, "what the fuck" to myself in the morning. I have no clue what this dream is suppose to mean or if it even has a meaning. I am guessing that I was mistaken for the killer when my ex was the killer all along considering he chopped off both mine and his arm. Maybe it's a sign to stay away from him? No idea!

I texted him my dream this afternoon and all he had to say was, "That's a sign. You want to kiss me." That would be the only thing he would think off after that whole wild dream! Oh god.

All I have to say is that I have killer dreams.

Mr. Fake Prince Charming

2009-09-07T08:06:00.000-07:00

After all this time I realized that I imagined you.
I was mistaken, you were never the boy I loved.
He was a trick of my imagination.

It's quite a surprise when all you believed in, all you loved, all that held you up so high was all a mere mirage. Still it gives me hope because if all he was, was my imagination desperate to find love than love for me is still hidden out there. My prince charming is still searching for me, you just need to go through a few fakes to find him. He just happened to be the first boy to come along that I mistoke his tinfoil wrapped body for silver sparkling armor, the bitter salvia from his mouth for sweet salvation, the lust in his eyes for true love, the rusted bicycle for a pure white horse and the sexual touch of his hands against my aching body for a caring caress.

Now the guilt given ring you gave to me on my birthday lays waiting to be sold in a local Cash Converters. What was left of the wilted rose given to me on Valentines Day is crumbled in the trash. The soft teddy bear given as a Christmas present donated to the Salvation Army. Finally the pictures and the hand made heart stays hidden in a taped up envelope deep in my closet never to be opened; but a mere memory of my first heart break. When the time is right the envelope will be rested in flames until all my memories of you have been turned to ash.

All I have left to say now my dear fake Prince Charming is that,
I'm okay now I'm better than I've ever been without you now.

and she hates this feeling <3

2009-08-20T12:01:00.000-07:00

Beside you I want to lay.
My ends they claim to fray.
My days turn to shades of grey.
I wish that with you I could stay.
Come on and sway over my way.
Speak those notions without delay.

Your path has become misguided.
Your future has become undecided.
Kiss my thriving lips to ease my soul.
Left with all of my damn self control.
My sensations you seem to have stole.
You hand me pieces, I want you as a whole.

Feeling the warmth of your body heat.
Walking home on this deserted street.
To my shaking body you are a treat.
The past I do not wish to repeat.
Temptation I am bond to defeat.
With my emotions I won't compete.

In clouds of smoke you can be found.
Soon you'll be falling to the ground.
Soon we'll be falling to the ground.
I'm wanting you like before.
Left with wanting you more.

It's an electric connection.
Follow and show your affection.
I can't stand through rejection.
You've become my selection.
Lean over to this direction.
Be my perfect protection.

Intensity runs through my blood.
My veins are rushing like a flood.
You offer your lips against mine.
I'm caught in your tangled vine.
You caress me with your touch.
Craving it a little to much.
You lend me your sweater.
I automatically feel better.
I just want your heart.
I just want to tear it apart.

You hand me pieces,
but I want you as a whole.

2009-08-13T18:11:00.000-07:00

Dilemma.
Four guys.
One girl.

The first contestant is 19. I've met him once, we got drunk with my best friend. He has the house to himself all next week and wants me to come over. He's not looking for a relationship I can tell you that much; off to University soon. One or two nights of fun with no attachments.

The second contestant my age. I've known him since grade five. We have been on and off since then. He loves me and at points I think I love him but then it all changes. It goes from love to hate. He hasn't changed nor has he grown up. I don't want a little boy, I want a man. He wants a real relationship, one that will maybe last forever.

The third contestant is my age. I've met him once with a few girls. We have been talking since; haven't been able to hang out again yet because I am now in BC. He's really sweet and writes like me. He's shy and so am, hopefully we will be able to keep up a conversation! He seems to be looking for a "Cinderella", or so he says.

The final contestant is my age as well. I've met him once at the movies. He just added me on facebook and asked for my number. Almost right away he asked me out on a date to the movies and dinner. He doesn't even know me but maybe that's the point of the date; not sure haven't been on many real dates. He is really smart, funny and outgoing. Hopefully I'm not to shy if we go on a date. I have no clue what he is looking for, maybe just a girl friend.

Is it so bad to hang out or go on a date with all of them?
Not really sure how that all works.
I just want a good time or to fall in love.

Imperfections Revealed

2009-08-08T22:11:00.000-07:00

I wish I was strong enough to ignore all you had to say.
I wish I was tough enough to not let any of it get to me.
BUT I'm not.
Whoever you are you are correct.

My body is not perfect. My breasts have disgusting veins and I hate it. Since the first day it was mentioned to me I noticed it. It stops me from wearing v-neck shirts to school without constantly being self conscious. I'm sorry that I'm NOT perfect enough, sorry you have to notice my imperfections. I wish I could fix it, I wish there was a way. I would pay anything to make it go away, that's how low my self esteem is now.

I don't understand what the use is to keep mentioning it. There is nothing I can do, why do you enjoy torturing me? Why do you enjoy cutting me down? I think it's pathetic that you get a kick out of that. It's disgusting that you get a high off of pointing out others imperfections. If I'm ugly on the outside to you at least I'm beautiful on the inside, unlike you.

I pray to god that ONE DAY you will grow up.

Never want to see your face

2009-07-27T14:44:00.000-07:00

Now don't you dare turn around.
Watch out, you may have to drown.
Now don't you dare make a sound.
Watch out, you may hit the ground.

I never want to see your face again.
Determined to break these chains.
I never want to hear your voice.
Determined I've made my choice.
I never want to see your name.
Determined I've set it all in flame.

I'll cut all the ties leading back to you.
I won't care if it leaves me black and blue.
Detach all the heart strings from you.
My life I will gracefully start anew.

Seeing you only does me wrong.
I've now deleted all of our songs.
In my life you just don't belong.
I should have known all along.

My heart should have known.
Your heart has turned to stone.
You seem to ache my every bone.
You make my mind cry out a moan.

When I see you face,
it fills me with disgrace.
That picture I'll erase.
Never want to see your face.

"Now I remembered that the real world was wide..."

2009-07-21T15:42:00.000-07:00

You can't see who I am.
Like a distressed lamb.
Let me tell you I'm not a sham.
I'm not the one who's condemned.
You don't know who I have become.
My words are draining out numb.

Telling me to show myself.
Well show me yourself.
You're stuck in the dark.
Silence all your remarks.

You suddenly can't see me.
With your thoughts I agree.
You're sorry you even tried.
Sorry I ever had to hide.
I have lost my pride.
Ever since his divide.

Just pop another pill baby.
Left with nothing but a maybe.
Just have another drink honey.
Let's pray tomorrow is sunny.
Just cut another line girl.
Let all your thoughts swirl.

Just fall fast asleep.
Go ahead and weep.
Don't bother to wake up.
Down goes a vodka filled cup

Say good-bye now.
Speak your last vow.

Who have I become?

Addiction to the Truth

2009-07-19T14:01:00.000-07:00

I am sitting here not knowing what to do or how to think.
Confrontation still lingers inside my thoughts, creasing through my firey veins. The words I bottled up inside myself for so long have been released. A painful unexpected relief. The truth finally exposed but of what cost? A cost to where my mind still wonders and becomes more curious of these so called truths. Questions they build upson the spoken truth. What to do, what to say?

He comes to visit from BC, stirring up memories long forgotten. Clawing at feelings I longed put out. He comes to her all happy and alive. She now is certained to move away with him. My mothers ex is now her boy friend yet again, the one that had caused me less of a mother. He is back and bond to take her with him. Who knows, maybe he can fix the mess of a lady she is; maybe he has the patience. For he is the man she always falls back upon. But he doesn't derserve to be wrecked just as the others. None of them deserved to be torn apart as she had. Can a women who seems as cold and heartless as a statue gain a heart?

I have been spending quite an amount of time with him. I finally worked up the courage to ask him a question that lingered from years ago. I asked him about cocacaine and affairs. He felt I was old enough to know the truth for he came clean in an instant. He claims he wasn't the man that got her hooked on cocaine all those years back. Well who could he be?

Left with feeling numb.

Grade 5

2009-07-11T22:34:00.000-07:00

We met by chance on a basketball court in grade five.The one day our friends were both absent from school. A coincidence at the least. It was gym and our objective was to try different types of passes back and forth to our partner. Standing across from each other looking around for someone who wasn't partnered already, our teacher with authority in his voice made us partners. The first time we actually saw each other, even though we were in the same classroom all along. Awkward passing back the ball until we broke the silence and decided to get to know one another...

Sing To Me Boy

2009-07-11T14:38:00.000-07:00

With you I'm feeling freezing.

A temperature that's not pleasing.

With you I'm feeling a burning.

A temperature I was not yearning.

With us it's never perfect.

But boy it could be worth it.

Help me commit.

I'll help you quit.

You know I'm so damn undecided.

I need now to just be guided.

Without you I'm plain misguided.

Our differences subsided.

Today we can't be divided.

With realization we've collided.

I'm struck with confusion.

Hoping we aren't just an illusion.

Hoping love isn't just a delusion.

Hoping our story finds a conclusion.

Can we find that deep fusion?

On you I'm always leaving.

On the past I kept on grieving.

Your calls I wasn't recieving.

Love for me I wasn't believing.

All this time I looked passed you.

Hadn't believed my feelings were true.

You loved me more than any one.

Away from you I continued to run.

You told me all I wanted to hear.

To you I was never quite sincere.

After one single word being sung.

After a breath from your lung.

After one breath taking song.

I found where I finally belong.

All I've been fighting was wrong.

Holding back for far too long.

I've fallen for you.

I'm loving the view.

He's on my mind yet again. Not the first nor the last time.

I've known him since grade five. Seems like I will always have some sort of feelings for him. One minute I think I love him, one minute I don't know what to think anymore and the next I hate him. He could never be serious. I think that's why it always ended. Except now I actually think he's grown up. He still loves me as he always has but he is engaged. Engaged at sixteen. All because he had a few too many drinks and asked a question he cannot get away from. I know he would leave her in a second for me but do I want that?

What do I want?

I can't tell how long I will feel this for him. For some reason when it comes to him my heart doesn't know what to do. I'm up then I'm down. He is the only boy who has given me the commitment I ask for, but could we hold onto it? He has always been there for me. I don't know if he would get back into trouble with the cops, you just never know with him. I don't know if he would fall in love with someone else and leave me or still love her. I just want to be loved by someone and fall in love with them.

I want to love you.

He has such a beautiful voice; such a beautiful sound. I just want him to sing me to sleep, to play for me. I want to hear what he thinks about. I want to hear what inspires him. I want to hear his sounds. I want to feel his touch. I want to feel his lips pressed up against mine.

Sing to me boy

Myself Today

2009-07-10T12:18:00.001-07:00

So apparently I was tagged by my friend Rachael (Serva me, Sevabote te) meaning I have to write 10 honest things about myself today.

1. I have an awful habit of biting my finger nails. I can't stop until they are perfect which doesn't make any sense because I bite them so short that they hurt to do anything with.

2. I am really afraid of meeting new people because meeting new people means being judged all over again.

3. I am highly afraid of growing up. I am afraid I won't suceed, that I will choose the wrong career to pursue and that I will loose my friends.

4. I am completly and utterly lost in life.

5. I tend to think about everthing way to much.

6. I have more than one deep dark secret, I have many.

7. I think I will always love the old him.

8. I think I have cried myself out. I know crying is healthy once in awhile and when I can't handle it anymore I try to cry but no tears come out.

9. I always seem to open up way to easily to people who have a single interest in me.

10. I just want to be loved.

Set Me Free

2009-07-09T20:17:00.000-07:00

I cannot find where I belong.
A constant cry for too long.
Heart beat is no longer strong.
Falling into place all too wrong.

I need someone to see through me.
I need someone to set me free.
Let's travel across the open sea.
Maybe there, myself I could be.
Let us jump aboard an on going train.
I need to break from this ball and chain.
Let us sneak aboard a high flying plane.
I need to find what I'm looking to obtain.
Let's dance all night in the rain.
Together happiness we could gain.

Why don't we escape this town?
Standing here watching as I drown.
This town is just holding me down.
I need to be able to move around.
I'll slip on my favourtie golden gown.

On your head you can place a crown.
Let's escape this town.
Let's escape this town.

See that light in my closed eyes.
See that view in my darkened skies.
See through my elaborate disguise.
See through my defensive lies.
See my intentions as I rise.
See my love in those thighs.

In this single cage I am stuck.
Feeling as if I'm out of luck

Why don't you set me free?
Set me free.

Oh baby, I'm not your cheerleader.

2009-06-15T07:39:00.000-07:00

Last night a jock from my school decided to add me on FB. He thought that I'd be an interesting girl due to my florescent coloured outfits. He asked me to lunch but I don't know him. I don't know who he is.

He could be a typical jock.

A football player with an attitude.Well I'm not your cheerleader.
I'm not your high maintenance bitch.

I'm not your slutty fix.

Who knows what he wants? He could just want action or he could be different?
I don't really know what to think. He told me he would say hi to me once he saw me.I am actually so nervous. If I knew where he typically sees me I wouldn't go there today.

Hiding from someone who isn't going to hurt me, hiding from a potential nice boy? Apparently he is into art but got a scholarship to play football in the U.S...

He helps little kids with football.

A personal trainer.

A tattoo artist.

A writer.

He could be perfect?

He could be lying.

Or he could just be full of himself,

thinking he can get any girl he wants with the snap of his fingers.

Who knows?

I don't want to write him off. I am judging him when I hate being judged.
I guess when I work up the nerve I'll go to lunch with him and see what he's all about.Figure him out. Could end up like the Cinderella Story, as if.

A smart, shy, loser of a girl meets a handsome, smart jock of a boy.

I am just dreaming, I know.

But I want my happily ever after like any girl.

I can't picture ME being with a popular jock. I mean I'm a nobody who keeps to herself.

Well boy,

I'm not your cheerleader.

"I wish I could SAVE you. I wish I could save YOU"

2009-06-14T15:26:00.000-07:00

I really don't get it. It seems like love is so easy for everyone else but myself.

Girl: I wish he loved me, but I doubt I'm good enough for him.
Boy: I wish she wanted me, but I'll never be good enough.

All it takes for the typical girl and boy is someone to tell them that they both have the same feelings for each other and then they can get together. Fall in love. It seems to be that simple.

I don't seem to be that typical girl and he doesn't seem to want to be that typical boy. I'm in love with him and will always be but he won't ever love me, not again. I constantly tell myself and others that I'm over him. I tell them about how horrible he is to me now. But I know no matter what I try and convince my self of I will always still love that boy.

No matter what I will always happen to dream about us being together. No matter what I will still have hope that the old him one day, will resurface. I will always have hope no matter how many times he tells me that he will never love me again. Trust me when I say I have tried countless of times to get over him and every time I try I fail horribly. I date guys that I know will hurt me so I can focus on them or the hurt they are causing me instead of his. I have given up. There seems to be no way I can possibly get away from him. When the one day comes where we graduate and move away; then he will be gone forever and I don't know what I will do. I can't picture never seeing or hearing from him again. I just can't.

I know getting over him will be the hardest thing I will ever do.
I know that I don't want to get over him because I can't loose him.
I know that I want to get over him because I need to loose him.

All I ever wanted was a simple way to get over you.

I don't understand why I can't be normal and realize that he will never love me again. It's like everyone changed into someone different when they reached high school. I must have missed the transition because I'm the only one who is stuck in the past. Stuck in what people used to be like. I don't even feel like I belong anymore, no matter where I go it's all the same. I move from Oshawa to Bowmanville and wished that I was back living in Oshawa. I move from Bowmanville to Muskoka and wished that I was living back in Bowmanville. I move from Muskoka back to Bowmanville and now wish I was back in Muskoka.

I honestly don't think I belong anywhere.

Where do I belong?

I feel so far gone.

Everywhere I go feels wrong.

I can't keep dragging myself along.

Take my hand and tell me I belong.

I feel safe now listening to our song.

Just tell me I belong.

Please tell me I belong.

Overwhelming Thinking

2009-06-12T19:51:00.001-07:00

Recently I have been dealing with a whole shit load of unnecessary drama. It's really seeming to affect me. I can't stop thinking about it and how it won't stop. BS freaked out at me because I told her that she deserved to be loved (something she isn't getting from CG). I'm pretty positive that it's just because I am the only person who hasn't told her what she wants to hear. I am the only person who has a shred of decency to tell her the truth. She knows he doesn't love her and all he does is hurt her but she doesn't seem to want to actually believe it. She just doesn't want to move on because she knows that will be harder than being with the one you love even though he will never love you. All I was doing was trying to help, all I ever do is try to help. Now she is going around at O'Neil (where a fair share of my friends attend) telling everyone my secrets and shouting horrible comments about me. I can't seem to get away from it especially when her bf does it as well. They are wrecking everything. I just wish people would grow up I mean we are in HIGH SCHOOL not elementary school, deal with your problems productively not like a child.

The sad thing is that I called my mom to take care of it in which she didn't seem to accomplish very well. All it did was dull things a bit and cause raging voice mails on my cell phone. I seem to actually miss my mom at some points. It's just she understands me more than my dad since I seem to be quite like her. But then I remember all of the terrible things she said and did to me. I then begin to resent her again. It's just so hard not to like her at times. When I went to visit her to get a bite to eat at a restaurant she is currently working at, she is just so cunning. She manipulates everyone else in the room to make her seem like the one to love. It's just she's convinced herself that her lies are the truths. She is delisional. I don't know how she does it but I have to learn to shake it off or else I start to hear my mind trail off about how I should move back in with her. NO. That is the worst thing for me now. I love my dad, he has been one of the best things that has happened to me this year. I just wish I could establish some sort of a relationship with her, I mean no matter what she is my mother.

My thinking is just causing me even more confusion.

Uncrowned King

2009-06-08T06:19:00.000-07:00

I wonder is that what it's really like to cry?
Is this what it is really like to say good-bye?
I wish someone would come and dry my eyes.

Shake my body from all of these endless lies.
You let me down when I was oh-so high.

Left with nothing but bruises upon my thighs.

All I have left to ask is why?

This time it's you who I deny.

This time you can't imply.

This time I won't reply.

Inside my skin you make me twist.

Touching your face I must resist.

Kissing my forehead I must insist.

It's your lips to my wrist,

It's your touch all this time I've missed.

Twist your body around mine.

Beats increase, don't worry I'll be fine.

Your body heat is my fix.

But your love is as hard as bricks.

You whispers the wrong name.
Your body heat is not the same.

I need you to whisper my name.

I once held you up so high.
Believing you were an angel from the sky.

You made me feel what it's really like to cry.

I put you upon a pedestal.

You're up to high on that pedestal.

What it did to you I was unaware.

You never belonged there.

All it brought me was dispair.

From your pedestal it's time to climb down.
You are just like anyone in this small town.

You never should have been praised king.

For sorrow is all you bring.
You never should have been crowned king.

For you left my heart with a firey sting
You are no longer the king of my heart.

You are the uncrowned king.

Uncrowned king give us your last bow.

2009-06-03T19:37:00.000-07:00

When you are little you tend to be afraid of the dark.
Afraid of the monsters under the bed, afraid of the monsters in your closet.
Afraid of all the things that lurk in the darkness of your room.
You're mother and father go to the places in your room where you claim monsters live.
Only to reveal there are no monsters.
You get those comforting words of

I love you.
There are no monsters in here honey, don't worry.
Good night, Sweetdreams!
If only that were the case for my childhood.

Whenever I was afraid of a monster lurking in the dark I had no broad shouldered father to comfort me or no mother who was sane enough to tell me that she loves me and everything is okay.Because the truth is with her, nothing was ever okay. Instead my mom had kicked out my father forcing him to not see me until later in my childhood.

But she did have a boy friend. A boy friend who did not check for monsters.
A boy friend who was the monster I was afraid of in the dark.
But instead of a sweet and comforting mother, I was stuck with a cocaine addict.

Every time I asked for the only man in my life to check for monsters there was never a reply. He was to busy yelling at my mother, snorting cocaine or getting drunk to check for monsters. Every time I told my mother about the monsters in the darkness she became paranoid. She would yell at those invisible monsters. She would tell them that she was going to KILL them, that they better get out now. Swearing at the darkness with no reply she would start to think they were actually there, she would convince me they were. Instead of me receiving comforting and a warm hand drying my tears she did, from her child. Instead of feeling the warmth of her body next to me there was only coldness because she would leave me. She would leave me to go snort cocaine, get drunk, get yelled at, get beat and to fuck her monster of a boy friend. She was never there when I needed her.

Your not suppose to convince your daughter there are monsters lurking in the dark. You aren't suppose to scare your daughter even more with all of your constant paranoia screaming. It's not right, it's NOT right, ITS NOT RIGHT.

Why didn't you comfort me?
Why didn't you tell me there was never a monster to fear?
Why did you scare me?

Those seem to be my constant question I ask to myself when I think back to all of my sleepless nights as a child. Wondering when the monster would actually come and take me away, I was ready. The monsters in my closet or under my bed couldn't have been as bad as you.

Do you happen to remember when you told me you were dying from cancer? Well you never died. All you did was pop pain killers. All you did was snort cocaine. All you did was lie to me. You never had cancer did you? WHY. To many unanswered questions.

I never wanted to grow up like you. Except now I pop pills to sleep, drink away the pain, fake a smile and fake a laugh just to get by. Have you seen what you have done to me? No I don't think you have. I am to much like you,I don't want to become a cold-hearted monster. I can't be just like you. Help. You have reflected on me. My love life is just as fucked as yours, I can never let someone love me I can never fully give myself to them without backing away. Just like you. Aren't you proud? To escape all of the memories, lies and missing pieces of my life I can't help but want to hurt myself. I hurt myself.

Well guess what?
I cannot be like you any longer.

I will not become a mess. I will not become a monster. I will not drown my pain. I will not continue to be unhappy. I will not let you reflect apon me anymore.
I will no longer speak to the monster.
I will no longer listen to her whispers.
I will not, I will not, I will not.

Grow Up Boy.

2009-06-02T11:09:00.000-07:00

CJ ended up giving S my number so I've been texting him quite a bit.
He is a really nice guy who has madly fallen for CJ.
She always find the nicest and sweetest guys but then never goes for them.

I guess she's more into asses, twisted like my heart.

I wish I could find someone like S, not gunna lie I kind of wish he was mine from what little I know about him.

But if he likes her as much as he says there isn't much I can do other than convince CJ to go for him because he won't hurt her like everyone else.

God I wish S liked me..

CJ's going to prom with S on Friday which is sweet.
I just hope they can get me into the after party so I can see A.

Guess I forgot to mention him.

He was one of the G O R G E O U S guys from Saturday night.

S gave him my number because APPARENTLY he is interested which is a bit of a shock.

I would have so gone for him Saturday if I knew all the things he said to S in there little language!

Damn...

Maybe next time?

As if!
Why would you even think of doing that after all you did to me?
My ex boyfriend GH added me on FB after I deleted him as a friend.
Like honestly, are you stupid or blind?
He hurt me and then he adds me on FB.Well newsflash YOUR NOT MY FRIEND.
I may have forgave you because I am the better person but it doesn't mean I consider you as my friend.

Yes, you are correct I do not want to talk to you anymore.

Oh and one of my other ex's who cheated on me with his ex added me as a friend on FB after I deleted him.

These guys are pathetic.
It's like they have to know what I'm up to and that they are better off in order to live their lives. Well guess what? I STILL am single since WE broke up. I am STILL getting hurt by asses like yourselves.

Now, let me get back to my life.

I don't need or want you poking around in mine.

Try growing up?

grow up, grow up, grow up...

"We down our shots and gulp our beers till every drop disappears."

2009-05-31T20:09:00.000-07:00

Saturday night I was in the drinking mood.
I was suppose to go to the movies to see Drag Me To Hell with my dad; but my old friend CJ asked me if I wanted to stay over at her dad's house with TR and then get drunk.
So of course I accepted the invite!

I went and made my make up more dramatic for partying, slipped on some skinny black jeans, a multi-colored animal print shirt and a bright blue hoodie and I was off.
Once I got to her dad's house I realized him and his friend were wasted out of their minds, repeating their compliments and questions to me over and over again.

"You look good!"
"How is your mother?"
-"Awh thanks, and I have no clue I don't live with her anymore."
"How's your mother?"

I just laughed off their repeated questions and went down to CJ's room.
Once we called our ride and had a time that they would be over we went upstairs to get her dad to call us Dial A Bottle.
After a lot of yelling and confusion from the drunks we eventually got them to dial the number as TR asked the lady on the phone for a 26er of blueberry vodka-yum.

We needed a soda for the mixer, therefore we had to walk to the corner store in the POURING rain. We got soaked needless to say.

15 minutes or so later our ride had finally arrived.
A bunch of guys in a van that I didn't know, but I am always up for anything when drinking!
We cracked open the 26er poured some into a McDonald's cup (it's all that we had) with the creme soda and we were good-for now.
We listened to some partying music as we drove to who-knows-where!
Dancing and sipping on our drinks!

Eventually we got to some random gas station somewhere near Toronto (I'm pretty sure-I'm bad with directions).
The guy who was working in the store was apparently friends with everyone; therefore we got to steal a shit load of energy drinks, gum and candy. It was basically amazing-I must have had at least 4 energy drink that night!

The guys all smoked cigarettes and joints as we drank our drinks.
After awhile CJ and I got bored so we decided to fight S.
He was ROUGH, but it was all good fun other than the million bruises I managed to get the next day. He had knocked his head into mine leaving me with a giant bruise on the side of my head!

The gas station dude asked us to get him some eye drops from shoppers across the street and gave us a 10.
We ran across the busy street and I fell on my ass as we reached the sidewalk.
It was to hilarious!I was lying there laughing so hard as these random guys from a restaurant called over
"CAN WE ASSIST YOU IN DRYING YOU'RE ASS OFF? WOULD YOU LIKE TO COME PARTY!?"
Of course we just walked away! Well CJ decided she didn't want to pay for the eye drops so she stuffed it in my pocket and we ran out, keeping the ten for ourselves!

Anyways we stayed at the gas station until that guy got of work then headed to the Whitby Pier! We finished the 26er, walked around in the water, pissed in the bush and got ditched by our ride. It was fucking cold so we decided to walk down the road until our ride came back but just our luck we got pulled over by a cop car with their bright lights flashing in our eyes!

They just chatted with us about why we had gone to the Pier at 2:30am-I had no clue it was that early! S tried to play it cool but he kept on studdering! Thank god they DIDN'T realize we were all wasted out of our minds and then drove off telling us to stay on the side of the road or we will get hit-gee thanks buddy. That was our lucky break and relief and a half!

After awhile of walking our ride came back.
We went to McDonald's- hell I only got a small fry!

We ate and picked up some fucking fat ass who wouldn't stop bitching at us girls so I got in a fight with him. It was quite hilarious, he must have weighed half of the car weight for fuck sakes! Whenever he moved the whole car did! I just kept bitching at him cause he wouldn't stop annoying me-pure entertainment.

We decided we wanted to have a little scare before going home so we went to the Witch Lady! It's just some insane old lady who happens to live in an abandoned blocked off home down some creepy-long-dark road.

"WITCH LADY, WITCH LADY!"
We yelled out her name a few times then sped off.
It was scary shit-we saw her hiding behind some garbage can!
I thought she was going to murder us all.

AT 4:30 in the morning we FINALLY got home.
Passed out.

"His mouth was on mine then and I couldn't fight him. My will crumbled into dust the second our lips met."

2009-05-29T16:39:00.000-07:00

Ouch,
that really hurt.
So I guess this is where I tell you a little about the boy who was my first greatest and worst mistake.
Well he just came on msn.
This was the FIRST time I've seen him online since, well since my name was in his, followed by I love you.
I didn't think it would hurt me that badly, to just simply see him come online.

But when he did and he said that common one syllable word, it all came crashing down upon me once again.
It felt like my heart had shattered once again, but why?
I've talked to him on the phone, I've seen him in person, we've had sex since he broke my heart.
But this singly hurt me like the day he told me he didn't love me anymore..
I guess it's because that's one of the places we had our greatest conversations, one of the places he told me he would love me forever and always.

Turns out it wasn't forever and always.
Turns out it ended.
Forever and almost always, babe.

Attached To You

2009-05-28T18:05:00.000-07:00

I'll be you're cold hearted stranger.
I'll make sure not to call you later.
Yes, I am full of risk taking danger.

No, I am not your savior.

So let's make some meaningless love.

Come on, be my addictive drug.

I just want a flig.

I don't want to feel that heart break sting.

I know this won't last,

Because you will leave me all to fast.

Watching as you walk out in a flash.

In tact I do not have my high class.

This time I won't be the one to crash.

Except this time I won't be the one to burn.

I won't be the one to yearn.

The ONE thing I hate the most is guys who end up breaking a girls heart without knowing.
How blind can they be?

Can't they tell that our HEARTS are more fragile than there's?
I mean our hearts simply crack at a single rejection. They break when a guy causing you to get knocked down. Most guys don't even seem like they have a heart. After a break up they just move on to their next victim.

I wish I could do the things guys do without being critizied as I would as a girl. It's unfair. Guys get to go around having meaningless sex with whoever they like but they don't get called a whore or slut. They get called players. That isn't even bad compared to other names. Maybe I want to have meaningless sex with some guy I find attractive at a party? Oh, right. I can't because I get to attached. As bad as it sounds sometimes I wish my emotions were just as horrible as guys. They hardly get their heart broken, they get pleasured by "whores" all the time AND they don't get attached.

I wish I never got attached...
I wish I never got attached to you...

Lust Drama

2009-05-28T07:15:00.000-07:00

Well fourth period yesterday wasn't as bad as I thought it would have been which was a RELIEF!
One of my old friends, RW ended up being behind it all without knowing.

He ended up coming to the Resource Room to talk to me, odd and unexpected.
Therefore I realized all the people who were chirping me were his ex gf's and ex gf's friends...I had no clue that many girl's held a grudge against me for me doing NOTHING.
It just so happens that basically all of his ex's were dumped by him because he claimed to be in love with me-aha! As if-how could an immature boy like him know what love is or claim to be in it with someone as messed up as I am? Crazy.

Two nights ago I ended up taking oxy's to numb my imaginary pain-this was a horrible idea. I couldn't get to sleep after taking a few because every noise I heard was 10 TIMES as loud in my head. Then last night because I hadn't taken any I was having withdrawals :S..
I couldn't stop shaking and was throwing up-never AGAIN.
Guess I'll have to try something not as addictive next time, as if I am saying there is a next time to experimenting with pills...wow.
ANYWAYS.

When I had gone to BH's over the weekend she had told me that BS was being cheated on by CG, I was pissed! He is the biggest player ALIVE. She is so in love with him and then he goes and fucks some random whore, real nice. No one was telling her what everyone knew so, me being someone who always does what she feels is right told her. BIG MISTAKE. CG txted me and was like "go fucking kill yourself, no one will ever LOVE you". Kind of harsh, it hurt but still I held myself back to reply cause I knew he would stop if I didn't get him even more wound up-he has anger issues. Anyways my way of trying to do something right totally backfired. She wouldn't believe me cause she thinks she is so in love with this stupid boy. Like I have no reason to have lied, its completley crazyness.

- In conclusion LOVE always fucks people over, especially the way they think. I doubt even love exists, I mean it's probably all lust. Lust, lust, lust...

Waiting

2009-05-27T09:42:00.000-07:00

Right now I am in my media studies class to distracted to do work. To tell you the truth I'm quite afraid of going to last period. I told my friend about what has been happening but I made it seem like it wasn't a big deal, something I could easily blow off and laugh about. Sadly that is not the case, I just don't want to seem weak. I hate being weak in someones eyes. I hate people worrying about my problems for I can deal with them on my own, I always deal with things on my own. That is probably how I will always be I guess. Well I have about a half an hour before the dreaded fourth class, so at the moment I'm basically waiting until then. Waiting until I get cut down again. I'm basically to afraid to actually do work right now, how pathetic.

-I'll update you after fourth or something, wish me luck.

Pathetic

2009-05-26T18:20:00.000-07:00

The truth is I feel sorry for you.
You continue to bite off more than you can chew.
You are pathetic.
Completly unsympathetic.
Completly cosmetic.
Constantly you try and bring me down,
because in order to feel good you must see a frown.
To me you look like nothing but a clown.
I won't let you bring me down.
I'll watch you and you're words drown.
Cause you can't bring me down.
For you I'll never fall to the ground.
Tainted comments tied to lies.
Causing a burning to my eyes.
Falling from my mouth are constant sighs,
but you won't be able to see my cries.

Well today was a very depressing day as of fourth period in the Resource Room. For some reason these two girls are obsessively trying to hurt me. They whisper hurtful words to each other about me as if we were in public school all over again; just pathetically immature. So when I continue to ignore them by turning up my Ipod no longer paying attention to them, they start throwing paper at me! Like really? What the hell is wrong with you! So I just continued to act like I hadn't noticed these balls of paper flying all around me and kept doing some overdue work on the computer. I have no clue WHY the Resource teachers in that classroom are too blind to see these two childish girls running around the classroom making fun of me to people I do not EVEN know, getting them to all throw paper at me. She couldn't have been that blind and deaf.

As this went on for the ENTIRE period I felt tears overwhelming my eyes. As if I had let them get to me this badly. Of course before they left they had to do one more terrible things to satisfy themselves by tripping me, watching as my books go flying across the hall. So as I collected all of my papers and books watching as these two girls I don't even know walk away with smiles on their faces; I began to cry. Running through the hallways and up the stairs trying to just get to my locker as my make up ran down my not so perfect face. That was how weak I was letting them get to me.

I must admit I am dreading going to fourth period tomorrow where those same girls will sit across from me trying to top what they did to me today. I know I should say something to someone but I don't know their names! I guess I'm just waiting until it gets worse so that I don't just look like some pathetic child who isn't able to handle some name calling and tripping. Hopefully it gets better tomorrow and I won't have to worry about it...hopefully. I just wish these two girls would realize what effect they have on someone who already have low enough self esteem. I mean they have to know they are hurting me, maybe that's what they want? I just don't want to let them win. I don't want them to get their satisfaction in seeing me cry or seeing me frown. I can't let it happen. I will NOT let them win this, no matter what. I will stay strong.

Well I should go to bed now, I guess I will tell you about what ends up happening tomorrow.

"Life is just like a mirror, and what you see out there, you must first see inside you."- Wally Amos

2009-05-26T16:39:00.000-07:00

This is my first time writing a blog, and to be frank I'm a little bit frightened. I'm not afraid of this blog but I am afraid of life in general. I love writing for it's how I express myself and let all of my bottled up feelings out. I seem to bottle up a lot of emotions through out my entire life. One day they are eventually going to all come out so this might as well be the spot. I'd rather tell a bunch of people I don't know about my problems than the people closets to me, it's just how I am. But my largest fears in life seem to be rejection and failure. I never wish to feel those pains, but I know it's what you will have to deal with through out life. So in order for me to deal with all of my many emotions I don't quite share, I write.

This blog is like a journal for me I guess, or is going to be once I start writing more. I will tell whoever decides to read about my battlefield like love past with relationships and family, about the struggles or highlights in life I end up coming across. Hopefully my writing will interest or help someone dealing with the same sort of situations.

Some hectic problems in my past include my alcoholic, cocaine addict, anger issued mother-who wasn't much of a mother. The boy who I fell in love with, lost my virginity, lost myself to that I ended up dating for two years. He is the one person who has caused me so much struggle in trying to forget because he broke my heart, he help turn my life into this war zone. I guess these are some stories I shall share eventually when I need to let them out of my system.

-In conclusion this is my blog about how my life has become somewhat of a battlefield in love and life.